How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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