So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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