quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
