kristin has been a bad kristin
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
