I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
