I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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