Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
