I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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