Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Randomize
