The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
