I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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