He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
