My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is Oprah even human
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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