Taylor Swift is so right about you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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