yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
