I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
