if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
