I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
