The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
