Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
