You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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