the condom got lost in my hair
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
