So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
