im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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