i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
