I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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