I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
