does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
