the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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