I faked an abortion last night.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
