I just made out with a guy for $7.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
