I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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