whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
