this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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