I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
