saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
