Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm too high and old for this...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
