I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
