fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
