On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
