I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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