I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
