he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
