She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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