I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
