You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
