I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
