Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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