I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
