You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
