Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
