DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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