If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
