I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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