Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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