All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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